What would you do if you were mad at your friend? Would you just stop talking to her? Would you tell your other friends what she did and encourage the others to avoid or neglect her? Would you approach your friend and “chew” her out and then walk away, intending never to look back? Or would you speak to your friend to explain why you are angry and try to resolve the issue?
Okay, I’m guessing that not too many of you answered ‘yes’ to the last question, and yet you probably got the feeling that you should have. Well, you are right; you should have answered yes to the last question, and yes, I know that it’s a lot easier said than done.
Most of us will say that we don’t have the time to deal with these kinds of situations. It takes more time to confront someone to demand an apology or explanation. It’s a lot harder than just ignoring that person (and the issue). Most of us would just say thats it’s not worth it and then move on.
Similarly, if we had two friends that were in conflict among themselves, how would we handle the sitaution? Would we involve ourselves positively and attempt to rectify the situation or would we, again, just say that it’s not worth it andlet it alone., leaving them to duke it out themselves?
Well, the truth is that it is worth it. It’s worth the extra minutes or hours or even days that it might take to resolve a conflict. It’s worth it because losing a friend is usually not worth it.
Don’t fight dirty, fight right
Conflict management is a fancy term that essentially means knowing how to fight right. We have all been in our share of arguments or disagreements that resulted in raised voices and hurt feelings. When you look back at any of these instances, do you think to yourself that maybe you could have done things differently. Maybe you shouldn’t have called her that name, maybe you shouldn’t have stormed out like that. People say that hindsight is 20/20; now is our chance to have the foresight by learning from this hindsight.
Of course, it’s a fact of life that people will always argue and disagree; however, it’s not what you fight about but how you fight that counts. One of the most important skills an adult can learn is conflict management. It is not a skill that is taught in school, nor is it something that one learns as one matures. However, it is a trait that Islam teaches us. Muslims are encouraged to avoid conflict. This means that we should avoid getting into conflict with others and we should mediate if our friends are in conflict with each other.
The traits below probably qualify as among the most important to remember when dealing with conflict for yourself or between friends.
• Listen well. How can you manage conflict a conflict if you haven’t even heard the argument? We all know that there is a difference between hearing and listening.
• Remain rational for as long as possible. Being rational does not mean staying cool, calm and collected. It means that you understand what is being said and that you are trying to make sense out of it. Merely staying calm and quiet while someone explains to you why he/she is mad at you could just be influriatingly patronizing.
• Give and take. In any sitautio, ever during a fight we must always be fair. Fairness and justice rank high in Islamic values; be sure to be fair. Give the other person a chance to speak.
• Avoid all harmful statements. In the heat of the moment, we are all tempted to talk dirty. Don’t say anything you will regret later.
• Have respect. Above all else, have respect fro the other person or persons involved. If you can manage to do this you have a better shot at the other traits that are essential for successful conflict management.
• No one likes conflict, and yet it is a part of life! Actually a tricky part. The way you manage a conflict can mean the difference between something prohibited or earning reward by handling the situation well. That’s the difference between ‘duking it out’ or working it out.
• First and foremost point is if your willing to work out the solution and if you do then doing it well means you are ready for a heroic effort. Once the job is well done then it brings immense pleasure too. (plus the reward)
Courtesy – Jumuah
