More I read about upbringing kids , more scared I am. How can you be perfect yourself because all your actions, reactions, words are not only recorded by these little ones but are interpretted in their own way. Their future character and personality will be effected in a way you never imagined.
The issue is addressed in a very interestin way by Mr Zia Gurchani. Here what he wrote…
Having children is not a big deal after getting married. Once couples multiply it’s the post-partum anxieties that rear their heads. The little bundles of joy turn into little monsters of dissent. Who should take the blame? Parents.
Feeding, clothing, and paying for tuitions is not where duty ends. Those are mere extensions of parental responsibilities. What goes on in a child’s life manifests itself later in his/her adult life with equal intensity. Children constantly snubbed by parents become withdrawn as adults and can’t open up. Children ignored by parents even when they are wailing become total attention-seekers as adults. Socially, physically or emotionally abused children develop serious confidence issues. Superficially they laugh and joke around yet something underneath that facade remains cold and unapproachable. Such individuals cannot stand up to bosses, lovers, individuals senior to them in status or hierarchy. An inner fear gnaws at them, perpetually. The childhood beatings haunt forever. Unconsciously. The point I’m making is that children who become adults on this planet are not just physical by-products of their parents’ genetic makeup but also the net result of their psychological standards.
Some parents invest far too much time in careers, jobs, offices, or businesses only to realise too late that their small kids are now grown up teens with fiercely independent personalities. Personalities that are very difficult to mould now! Some fathers think they are working hard for their children’s future only to discover the children are not even remotely interested in those schemes. All those millions stashed away in banks for the children’s education are just not luring enough to seek education. Those children want to do something totally opposite. They want to do nothing. Just laze around, chat on internet, stay awake all night, sleep all day. Thank you very much!
Loss of daily interaction between children and parents is one of the most heartbreaking outcomes of modern day lifestyle. Westernised concepts like ‘privacy’ are proving detrimental. Parents who respect the so called ‘privacy’ don’t realise the locked door could be standing guard to drugs, dope, and psychologically disturbing activity. Older generations produced healthy minded individuals thanks to joint family system. Fathers should be equally involved in their children’s everyday life. It helps stabilise children’s psychological well being. Children should not be left alone emotionally. That in itself is abandonment. Kids have a right to be involved with parents. Children, when made to feel alone or isolated staying on the outside looking in, develop resentment. Too much of kindness and coochie-coo loving can also be tossed back in parents’ faces. As growing teens children tend to snap at parents as to why they were not disciplined when they were kids? A dagger sharp thin line for parents to walk on but they must figure out how much love how much discipline is needed in accurate measures.
Children are not to be matched wits with. Yelling is counter-productive. Instead of hollering, “Your room looks like jumma bazaar” say firmly, “your room needs cleaning. Please pick up all the stuff from the floor before lunch. I’ve made lasagna for you.” The kid knows it’s not a battle. Firm, assertive but loving is the appropriate way to handle kids. Too much of screaming will give you only nerves and too much of coochie-coo love allows children to blur the boundaries of accepted norms of do’s and don’ts. Bringing up decent kids is one thing but grilling them like fauji jawans is another. At times fathers make an excuse of their careers for not intervening in the children’s lives. Unfortunately there comes a time when the mother finally gives up and the issues end up on daddy’s table. Had daddy been actively albeit tactfully involved from the start things may not have come to such a point.
Physical love is equally important. Hugging, holding your children, expressing affection is just as important as feeding them. Preaching is not as effective as diplomatically ‘discussing stuff’. It won’t sound like a lecture or sermon. Offer solutions instead of admonishing. Children need guidance and support at every step. Remind yourself you are the parent. When confronted by children’s unreasonable demands don’t twist yourself in a knot but laugh and explain why it’s not going to happen.
Even the best parents sometimes end up raising dysfunctional kids. It’s not entirely your fault. The environment plays a dramatic role in contributing good/bad traits to children. Keep a watchful eye on their activities. There is really no need for a school-going child to have a cell phone or several yahoo/hotmail ids. Spending too much time on the internet might open an unpleasant Pandora’s Box, which you may never be able to shut again. There are many things, which a child should not be exposed to. Surfing the internet on acceptable sites with parental guidance is fine but staying glued to the computer in a locked bedroom is a sure invitation for trouble to come slithering in your life.
Many parents send small children to school alone with drivers. That is an absolute no-no. Drag yourself out of bed and ensure you go to drop them to school and pick them up again. Drivers can be predators who cross lines of decency by molesting children. Enforce strict rules: Under no circumstances should children allow drivers to seat them in their lap while they drive. Many children become addicted to it and although secretly they know they should not be doing it but they succumb to the physical molestation. Remain vigilant with domestic help at all times; regardless of your children’s’ genders. For you your children maybe innocent kids, for them they are interesting toys to be played with.
Life can never be hazard-free, for sure. But having said that, one needs to stay alert and prepare our children for the long journey they will undertake in future.
Zia Gurchani is a writer, columnist, TV-show host, and author of “In the ruins of solitude”.
Great post. I will read your posts frequently. Added you to the RSS reader.
Thanks…
[...] Upbringing tomorrow’s adults [...]
/Westernised concept likes privacy are proving detrimental/
Privacy is not a ‘westernised’ concept but an inalienable right. I sympathise with the point this fella is trying to make, however, intrusive behaviour of the sort recommended is equally detrimental in the long term.
Teenagers require space. I’ll go a step further – teenagers ‘deserve’ space. They don’t want their parents snooping around their MSN/Bebo/Orkut/Facebook/Yahoo accounts, riffling through their web history, cross-examining them after every internet ‘session’ and installing monitoring software to keep tabs on their internet usage. A family is a microcosm of its parent culture, and just as individuals don’t want to be part of a survellience culture, a functional family unit should never become one either.
The power imbalance inherent in a parent/children relationship leaves it open to a lot of abuse – some of which isn’t immediately obvious. The best relationships are established through mutual trust, understanding and respect. Obviously, there are exceptions, but the exceptions are often used to prove a point, when, in reality, it is the ‘disciplined regimentational’ approach historically celebrated in a lot of cultures that leads to dysfunctional relationships lasting generations.
The writer of the article, if he actually thought about it, is being intellectually lazy and dishonest. Becoming involved in your kids life DOES NOT equate to taking over their day to day business. The role of a parent is, primarily, advisory in its nature. The emphasis should always be on education and awareness, rather than heavy-handed enforcement. The ‘rights’ of parents with regard to their kids are NOT absolute – they are conditional upon the physical AND emotional well-being of a kid. And yeap, this includes a measure of freedom and privacy – from their own parents.
Agreed, kids do have a right to maintain privacy. This right is earned by the child’s behaviour too.
If you want to hear a reader’s feedback
, I rate this article for four from five. Detailed info, but I just have to go to that damn yahoo to find the missed pieces. Thank you, anyway!
Excellent blog, very imformative and to the point, keep up the good work.
FANTASTIC!